I became a father about a year ago – and it’s been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life.
I know I’m talking/speaking/writing from a place of privilege. This isn’t lost on me, and I want to make that point clear right from the start.
I had the idea to start Breakthrough Dads just a few days ago. I suppose it was spurred on by my child’s recent first birthday and the fact that I’m approaching forty. Many people online create content about parenting, fatherhood, motherhood, and the ups and downs of it all, and it took me a little while to decide if I truly had anything to say that was worth reading. I don’t think I’m particularly good at writing and am arguably better on camera or in front of an audience (I conduct orchestras), but this feels like the best medium for this (or at least the best place to start).
I’ve been married for almost twelve years, and we’ve been together for nearly nineteen! My wife is a clinical psychologist and has had her own practice for almost nine years. In the time we’ve been together, we’ve both been to therapy, have grown a lot, and now, with a child, have had to explore a lot more about ourselves that we (naively maybe) thought we’d already sorted out.
In the last few years, my wife has started working with her clients more and more on trauma and how it affects us more than we either know or would like to admit. There are many books on this topic like The Body Keeps The Score, It Didn’t Start With You, It’s Ok That You’re Not Okay, and many more. Since bringing home our daughter, this is something that I’ve thought about often.
Having something in your life that acts in some ways like a mirror is quite striking, and now that we see her absorbing every little thing in her environment, it’s made me reflect more and more on the kind of parent I want to be.
Of course, I’ve always thought I’d be the best dad I could be, but once she came home, those thoughts evolved over the past several months. Now I want to be the best possible dad for as many of those moments as possible. I know I won’t always get it right, but I see more and more how every little thing adds up to what her experience will be as our child. These experiences will mold her and provide the environment that will create who she’ll grow up to be.
Back to the trauma part: more and more, people are talking about breaking generational trauma and not continuing the same old way of parenting. Of course, some people mistake this for permissive parenting or some variation on that theme. And if you’re reading this and rolling your eyes, this newsletter/blog/website (whatever it becomes or is) probably isn’t for you – and that’s okay. I’m not here to change everyone’s mind. I’m writing this for my daughter and for several-years-ago me.
Now what exactly is this going to be? I’m not 100% sure – I’m still figuring that part out. It’ll be part journal, part educational (I’m a former teacher), and maybe more. If this helps just one dad, dad-like figure, or any type of parental figure, then it’ll be a win. Regardless, I hope you’ll follow along on our journey as I try to be the best father I can be.
Thanks for reading.